The Hankie Dance

[DISCLAIMER: this entry is intended for mature football audiences only. Seek counsel from a qualified fan if you do not understand the content.]

Last Sunday I was parked in my recliner watching my favorite sport - football. The game was unspectacular - actually dreadful for a Denver Broncos fan, since they were being diced by a rather horrible opponent, the Kansas City Chiefs. Already in a foul mood due to the performance of my mensch, I was pushed over the edge by a stench that permeates the league these days. The hankie dance.

Third and six. Broncos on their own 43, empty back field, pro set, twins right. Orton drops back to pass and sends a shot 15 yards down field, intended for Gaffney. Gaffney goes up for the pass and is interfered with by the corner back (name escapes me - its the Chiefs, so it really doesn't matter now does it?). No yellow flag. Gaffney jumps up and pirouettes into his version of hankieness. Orton flits into the "Skip to My Lou." Broncos punt on the next down.

The hankie dance. A trend that started a few years ago, performed by wide receivers. Spurred by the growing sense of whining impropriety, now anyone on the field is a potential dancer - capable of breaking out in a rendition at some point. It has grown in popularity over the years, and even spawned several variations.

There are three basic steps to the hankie dance:
Step 1. A player or teammate has to believe he was the recipient of, or witness to, an offense by an opposing player.
Step 2. The player or teammate raises an arm and in a quick motion, flicks his wrist.
Step 3. Repeat step 2 and scream curse words at the official.

Primary variations include:
The "Madman" (quarterback running down the field, flicking his wrist and screaming) The "Skip to My Lou" (player half-skips, half-jogs during step 2 of the basic dance)
The "Oh man, you've got to be kidding" (an add on at the end of step three where the player throws his head back, opens his mouth, and rolls his eyes)
The "Plays not over" (the basic dance is performed while the play is still alive)

When it comes to football, I'm old school. I prefer to see men on the gridiron act like men, not prancing poodles. When you score a touchdown, spike the ball or hand it to an official. When you level someone, help them up (unless their tibia's poking through their sock). When you're wronged by an official, cowboy up and move on. Leave the self-serving prima donna act to Paris Hilton.

So it is with the hankie dance - a reflection of the 21st century game. But how pathetic does it look when a quarterback goes skipping down the field raising his arm and flicking his wrist in the air like Evita Peron on a caffeine high? How goofy does it look for a 6'4" 300 pound offensive lineman to do his version? Where's the shame? I expect such behavior from wide outs, if anyone. Usually those players have the biggest egos; wide receivers believe the world revolves around them. In their eyes, they're on "the island" - alone in space with the talent and ability to save the game, if given the chance. Everything that happens is someone else's fault. With that mindset, which I believe 90% of them posses, its no wonder the trend started with them. But offensive linemen? Give me a break.

We are have evolved over the past 40 years into a "me" society. Everything's alright, as long as it revolves around me: what I want, what I need, what I do. Perpetuated by our growing affluence and facilitated by Oprah, Dr. Phil, a host of "me" periodicals (see your local check out stand), and Madison Avenue - the "me" mentality has grown like kudzu over an abandoned shed in Georgia. The mentality is impressed on our children by society at large. It is self-perpetuating.

One element of sport is that its reflective of society. While we can admire the competition, athletic prowess, and camaraderie of sport - we're also witnesses to the degradation of our value set on the gridirons, courts, and fields of America. While I still love to watch the games, I'm saddened by the mirror held up to our society.

More than likely, the hankie dance will continue to see many more acts. But I hope someone draws the curtains on it - much like the Ickey Shuffle.